I often think about posting to this blog but struggle to focus for long enough to actually finish a thought. (Even during the time it took to fully type that first sentence, I had to stop to get someone set up with paint and had to help another with a spilled snack.)
But, it is Spring Break and I am determined to blog at least once. I apologize to the 1 or 2 people that check here often! (hi mom!)
Mostly, I know it is important to journal my thoughts during this time to remember this journey and to look back on some of the tough times and marvel at His faithfulness.
I think this may be the toughest part of the process, so far. I had heard people say the waiting is the worst part, and I honestly I never understood it until now. While in the paper chase, I was certain that that had to be the most challenging! The pressure of getting it all done, knowing how to do it, where to send it, being mindful of deadlines, ect.. It was all so stressful.
But, now, as that is all done (for now) we find ourselves just ..waiting, waiting, waiting. Getting emails from our agency can prove to be both exciting and discouraging. We get indications as to when child files and family matches will be happening (they are called referrals.) There is always excitement when there is a chance for a call and then disappointment when the phone doesn’t ring. These referrals happen every couple of months, so when you don’t get a call, you prepare to wait for a while longer. I guess the frustration comes in knowing that there’s no shortage of children who need homes. And we are waiting here.. willing.
All of that being said, I have no doubt that the Lord has hand picked the child that is for our family.. and although I am disappointed that we did not get called last week with a referral, I don’t doubt for a second His sovereignty in it.
Although, there is still a small ache in my heart..a familiar ache.
In our earlier years of marriage, when we decided we were ready to become parents, I would feel that ache every time I took a negative pregnancy test before getting pregnant with Ava. I still remember the disappointment.
So, despite trusting God, I can’t seem to shake that feeling.. And I think that’s okay. Even normal. I’m just a mom wanting her child. So I have given myself permission to feel sad in those moments.
I sometimes think of my life as a continual soundtrack. Not sure if any of you can relate, but I can trace back so many disappointments, happy times, and milestones in life to certain songs that were important to me or popular at that time. I can be driving to Target, and in a moment a familiar song comes on the radio and it reminds me of when I started dating Michael and the memories all rush back in an instant. I had similar songs from when I was pregnant with both of my babies- songs that will forever be special to me as I imagined what they would look like and what their voice would sound like.
Yesterday I was feeling particularly down while driving in the car. I popped in an old CD and a favorite song came on and I heard it with new ears as I listened to these words:
For you, I’d wait ’til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you’ll come, and set me free,
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me.
It made me smile and I thanked God for letting me part of this journey. I think this will be another song on the soundtrack.. one dedicated to him 🙂